Sunday, December 3, 2006

Kiss the Cook pt. 2 or Why I Should Probably NEVER be allowed in the kitchen

Appliances which are not Katrina-Approved:
(aka-appliances I do not and should not use or be around)

1. Ovens
Why bother?

2. Toaster Ovens
Like actual ovens only smaller

3. Toasters
I don't really have an explanation for my dislike of toasters. I do have a childhood trauma relating to a toaster though. It involves a small microwave fire. Now that I think about it, that should naturally make me not like microwaves......But, no, I still like microwaves

4. Trash Compactors
My apartment has one, I don't use it, I keep thinking I am going to push the wrong button and the trash will explode everywhere and the stench of old milk will linger in the nooks behind the refrigerator. Have you ever wondered what is in those nooks?

5. Juicers
I am not even going to begin explaining this one. Ever had a salad in a glass?

6. Blenders
I can never get the lid on properly and things end up exploding everywhere

7. Grinders
I am always afraid one of my fingers will mysteriously be sucked in and obliterated

8. Mixers
Cake batter always ends up on the walls, the ceiling, innocent passers-by

9. Garbage Disposals
I constantly fear that I have dropped silverware down there, but of course I can't stick my hand in because then it will automatically turn on and shred my hand to pieces

10. Smoke detectors No, i don't smoke. As it turns out my smoke detector and my oven are in cahoots. It went off the other night and there wasn't smoke. Apparently when my oven is on broil the stinking thing thinks there is a fire.... the joys of cooking my toe.


Katrina- Approved Appliances:
(aka- appliances I use frequently)

1. Microwaves
I can work wonders with microwaves

2. Any Mr. Coffee- Coffee Maker
I am not typically a morning person so long ago I made sure I learned how to make coffee

3. Most dishwashers
though I have been known to trip over and/or fall into them. In the middle of the night I can walk from my bedroom to the kitchen in pitch blackness and not run into anything, but an open dishwasher in the near proximity to me is an accident waiting to happen. I admit, it's odd that I still like dishwashers, but I do

4. Refrigerators
very user friendly. And yet I am always baffled by the rate at which certain foods grow fur. Don't worry I don't eat the furry food. The most puzzling "food gone bad" experience was the pineapple juice I forgot about that one time. I was amazed that it turned black and yet it didn't smell bad in the least bit

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Kiss the Cook...pt.1 or Why My Mother Should Run for President

"My oven is broken"

Any normal person would automatically reply with much sympathy, "What's wrong with it?"

However, if you were related to me your first response would most likely be, "Why/How do you know that?"

There is one truth about me that my family knows, but most of my friends do not. It is well known by my relatives but rarely discussed. (because of the shame factor)

I don't cook.

Wait.

I know what you are thinking, "She doesn't cook, because she is probably horrible at it". "What female doesn't cook?!!" "That's blasphemy! Julia Child is now turning over in her grave!"


I very well may be a horrible cook, but that is neither here nor there, because the fact of the matter is, I don't cook. I simply don't do it. It's not fun to me. My official duty on Thanksgiving and Christmas is "taste tester" and "drink maker". I am quite handy at both. I blame my mother. She is an amazing cook. Therefore I never had the inclination to take up cooking. Eating is much more fun.

Okay so one day I was bored and hungry and decided to give my oven a go when it became abundantly clear that it was in fact broken. At which point I made a vow to never attempt that whole cooking thing again. Who needs casseroles anyway? I mentioned to my mother, the chef, that my oven was broken and of course she wanted to know how it was that I knew that my oven was broken. All of which she found highly amusing, but she pretended to be sympathetic as I described the cookies I baked that came out burned on the bottom and doughy on top. (I was really craving cookies so it wasn't until after I had eaten two that I realized something was screwy with them) Okay so a month went by and my mom mentions that I probably need to have someone come look at my broken oven and fix it. Of course my response is, "Why?" To which she replies, "What if I decide I want to cook something while we are staying with you over Thanksgiving."

I called to place a work order immediately. It was then that this situation got interesting. I will relay the conversation I had with the nice lady who works in the office of my apartment complex.


Me- umm.. Hi, I am a resident and I was wondering if you could send someone to look at my oven. Is that a repair you can handle?
(Side note: This is a legitimate question, I'm not sassing her. We went back and forth a few months ago about them hooking up my washer. Get this, if there is water damage in my apartment I could get sued for it, but because of some liability issue they cannot hook up washing machines!)
Office Lady- yes it is. Of course, we are responsible for the repair of all of the appliances.
Me- Of course. Okay. Great.
Silence
OL- Umm… what's wrong with your oven?
Me- Oh. Well, the top part doesn't heat up?
OL- Okay, you mean the stove? The burners on the stove aren't heating up?
Me- No, I mean the oven. Inside the oven, the top part doesn't heat up?
OL- Okay…. the burner, right?
Me- No. I mean inside the oven. You know the part that heats up inside the oven?
OL- yes
Me- Well, the top part doesn't heat up
OL- uhh… explain it to me again. Because I still don't understand.
Me- I baked some cookies and the bottom was burned but the top was still doughy.
OL- Okay. So the broiler is not working?
Me- No. not the broiler. I was baking.
OL- Okay, because the cookie thing confused me.
Silence
OL- Okay, I am going to go ahead and fill out a work order….
Me- Would you have someone call me before they show up to look at it?
OL- Umm.. sure okay.

Two hours later the repair man calls.

Me- Hello?
RM- Yeah, I am going to come and look at your oven, is now a good time?
Me- Yeah, I actually wanted to try to explain to you what the problem is
RM- Okay. It says here on the work order that the burners are not working.
Me- No. it's the oven.
RM- … the oven?
Me- Yes. Inside the oven, the top part, I don't know what they are called, but the top part that heats up inside the oven doesn't heat up.
RM- ummm.. okay, I am going to have to talk to my supervisor….
Me- okay. Listen. Just go check it out. Turn on the oven and you'll see what I am talking about
RM- uhhh, okay.

So when I arrive home that evening there waiting on my kitchen counter is my work order with a note at the bottom from the repair man that reads, "Try it now and let me know if it doesn't work".

So, I turn on the oven, open the oven door and watch and wait in anticipation. Nothing happens.
So I turn up the temperature.
Nothing happens.
I get closer.
Nothing.
I know better than to touch it so I put my hand out and feel warmth coming from the bottom of the oven, but not the top. I am now really annoyed.
I reach toward the heat thingy at the top. There is no heat coming from it.
I tap it. It feels cold
I grab it. It's cold!!
I rattle it a little. Still cold.


Unbelievable!
Briefly a line from a movie comes to mind about someone's crazy mother being so fed up that she stuck her head in the oven. I smile at the memory and try to remember what movie it's from and if it is appropriate that I am smiling because I seem to remember this leading to the mother's death. It then dawns on me that I look crazy. Good thing my oven is electric and not gas. (note to self: find out where that whole "stuck head in oven and died" thing came from)

Since this incident I have done extensive research and come to what I believe to be an accurate explanation for the previous note to self. It turns out that Sylvia Plath committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven. Does this concern anyone else? First of all, that is soooo not funny. Second, I am not suicidal. Third and most shocking, I think, is "why would I know that?" I have never read The Bell Jar, nor have I invested time or energy in learning about her life. (Note to self: do not fall asleep while watching Jeopardy) Wait….No….. I know…. Pheobe Buffay's mother committed suicide that way. And because Phoebe Buffay is a character on Friends …and not a real person ...it's funny.

To prove that I am not crazy I decide to take the nice office lady's advice and turn the temperature knob to broil. I am now sitting on the floor directly in front of my oven staring into its cavernous blackness like it is suddenly going to reveal the secrets of the universe. Then it happens. The heat thingys at the bottom that were only a few minutes ago glowing red are now slowly turning black. They are cooling off!! WHAT!! I am not crazy. I am not crazy. So I keep sitting and staring. I am staring so hard I think I am imagining that the heat thingys at the top are turning red. I close my eyes. I open them. Oh my gosh!! They work!!! They're not broken!

But why don't they heat up when I am baking?

So I did what any accomplished adult does when faced with a situation that is baffling and too embarrassing to involve friends- I called my mom.

(For your reading pleasure, please take note of the unspoken, inner thoughts of both parties which appear in italics in the parenthesis)

Me: MOM!

The Chef: yes

Me: are you asleep? (please don't be asleep)

TC: No (not any more, thanks a lot)

Me: okay

Me: you know how I said my oven was broken? Well, I don't think it's broken, I think
I'm retarded!


TC: What?!!! (that's so sad…. no wonder she's still single…. My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me…. Will I ever have more grandchildren?.... This girl is making me lose hope… I am not getting any younger…. I wonder if we could adopt a married girl in her twenties to be our daughter…. Is there a lot of paper work involved in something like that… I've Got it!!! I'll adopt Katie H. She can be my new daughter and that would make Reese my grandchild!!....Excellent idea! How should I brake it to Katrina?... WAIT. I can't believe she woke me up for this?!)

Me: Mom, bare with me. When you turn your oven on does it heat up on the top and the bottom?

TC: What? The burners? You mean the burners on the stove part?

Me: No, inside the oven, mom. (you have got to be kidding me)

Silence.
(My mom is confused and yet trying to be supportive while not laughing at my stupidity)

Me: just tell me

TC- Well, I think so.

Me- well, mine doesn't. Only the bottom part heats up

TC- Did you have it on broil or bake? (…Katrina's ignorance is somewhat endearing….. maybe we'll keep her)

Me- Remember I told you about that one time I baked cookies and they came out burned on the bottom and doughy on top

TC- Oh. You probably had them on the wrong rack. So what did you do with all of those cookies? (she probably ate them all. This girl and her dad will eat almost anything)

Me- What!? (Seriously?!) No, mom, it happened a long time ago. I was just trying to explain what's wrong.

TC- So, you have oven mitts and everything?! (She is so making this story up)

Me- Yes, mom I have oven mitts.

TC- Well you're oven should have a bake knob and a broil knob.

Me- WHAT!! Mine has one knob that has all the temperatures and then broil.

TC- well, you just have an old stove

Me- oh.

My oven is not broken. Just vintage. It has officially been named Maurice. Maurice is old, temperamental and totally a native of France. (nothing against the French, but why do they hate absolutely everyone except other Frenchies?)

Either way this just proves further that unless my building is on fire I should avoid interacting with the people that work in the office at my apartment complex. And in the future when looking at apartments I will ask how new the appliances are even though I will probably never personally be using them.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Survey Says...

If You Don't Know, Now You Know- THE SURVEY

- Food-
  • Chocolate or Vanilla: both
  • Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
  • Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee w/ Toffee Nut Syrup (but only if you're buying)
  • Beef or Chicken: Beef
  • Pork or Seafood: Seafood
  • Best Meal Ever: everything my mom cooks
  • Fav. type of Food: any. Mexican, Italian, Thai, Indian, Chinese
  • Fav. meal- Breakfast, lunch or dinner: Peanut Butter Pancakes for dinner
  • Your Perfect Pizza: Pepperoni w/ jalapeños
  • Fav. candy: Snickers, Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans
  • Fav. Dessert: Molten Chocolate Cake at Chili's, or anything with ice cream

-Family-

  • Siblings: 1 older sister
  • Do you get along? yes
  • Do you get along with your parents? yes
  • Any childhood traumas? my sister telling me i was adopted. this was traumatic b/c i'm not
  • Fondest childhood memory: my dad sleeping on the floor next to my bed when i would wake up scared from a bad dream
  • As a child what did you want to be when you grew up? a mailman
  • Why? i like mail. also, it might have had something to do with my sister telling me the mailman was my real dad
  • Current Occupation: development (aka: public relations/fund raising) for a nonprofit
  • Dream Occupation: talk show host (Oprah)

-Relationships-

  • In the past month have you been on a date? no. well... i don't think so.
  • Ideal first date: one that's not awkward or boring
  • Have you ever been in love? no... well... maybe
  • Have you ever had a crush? yes!
  • Do you currently have a crush? yes
  • Who is it? no comment
  • Physical feature you notice first on the opposite sex: eyes
  • Second: smile
  • You could never date a guy who_______: takes longer to get ready in the mornings than i do, or a guy who has really soft hands... both qualities weird me out equally.
  • Are you a romantic? probably
  • Are you a girly-girl or a tomboy? somewhere in the middle, i hope
  • Are you high mantenance? probably not
  • Do you want to get married someday? yes
  • Ideal marriage proposal: any
  • Have you already planned the ceremony? no! the idea of even getting married didn't appeal to me until a few years ago
  • Ideal Wedding: Vegas
  • Do you want to have kids someday? yes
  • If so, how many? i don't know, bus loads
  • Person you would date if they were available: Prince William

-Random Questions-

  • Name: Katrina
  • Nicknames: tom, tommy, tom-tom, thompsarino, tompy, tomkat, tomcacti, kat, kat-ry-na, kdawg, kk, kitty, katrinarina, katerinadarling, trina, tree, tree-tree
  • Birthdate and Place: Cinco de Mayo (that's may 5th, for you gringos) in Yellow, Texas
  • Current Location: Dallas-ish
  • Next Location: who knows...maybe Nashville or somewhere in the UK
  • Ideal Location: anywhere i haven't lived before
  • Hair Color: right now it's my natural hair color and a fro
  • Eye Color: brown
  • Right or Left Handed: righty
  • Height: 5'7"
  • Your best physical feature: i don't really know... my ears
  • The physical feature you would like to change: as i have gotten older i have started to be okay with my flaws so i wouldn't change anything
  • Fav. Flower: sunflowers, magnolias, lilies, tulips, wild flowers
  • Least Enjoyable Flower: carnations, roses (red and white)
  • Fav. Color: Orange, Cobalt Blue, Yellow, Kelly Green
  • Least Enjoylable Color: Pastels
  • Fav. Day of the Week: Wednesday, Friday
  • Least Enjoyable Day of the Week: Monday
  • Dogs or Cats: Dogs
  • Fears/Phobias: Gingivitis
  • Weaknesses: fruit snacks
  • In the past month have you gone to a mall? yes. it was a painful experience
  • Fav. Store: goodwill, my cousins' closets
  • Languages you know: English, 4 years of French but i don't remember much, sometimes i dream in Spanish does that count?
  • Do you smoke/drink: no/sometimes
  • In the past month have you been drunk? no
  • In the past month have you done drugs? no
  • Do you have any tattoos? not yet
  • Piercings below the shoulders? not anymore
  • Super power you most want: flight
  • If your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you save? my t-shirt collection. i still have a shirt from 1987
  • Best compliment you've received: "You're a cool square chick"- Marlee J.
  • Harshest Insult: "You remind me of Lilith from the show Fraiser"- Blake W.
  • Goal for 2007: be a better driver. i hop curbs like no body's business
  • How do you want to die: i would prefer not to
  • Epitaph: none. see above
  • Regrets? none. i have done some spectacularly stupid things, but i have learned some good lessons.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

this one is for you Lower Morgan '05-'06



Dear Readers-

I need you to do me a favor. Pretend this is something funny.... Are you laughing? Okay, sassy pants, at least smile.... Thanks. my self-esteem just went up. Kavitha wanted me to update my blog with another funny, yet slightly tragic story. Unfortunately nothing like that has happened lately. Or maybe I am just so used to the monotony of my funny, yet slightly tragic life that I am just not paying enough attention. Kavitha, when something funny happens, trust me, you'll find it here.

BTW- that reminds me. Peace out to all my Lower Morgan girlies. It was a fun/dramatic/stressful/memorable year, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. *HUG*
Oh and BTW. Remember that hall meeting when I complained about the food thief and i said she had also stolen my onion vinaigrette dressing. (no one will probably remember that b/c no one was really paying attention) For what it's worth, I wanted to take that back. A few days ago I found my dressing. It was in the security break room refrigerator. Now before you go assuming that one of our upstanding security guards swiped it. Let me just tell you, that I put it there...... And then.. promptly forgot about it. =)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Behold

Though it took a day short of eternity, I have finally provided the much anticipated photographic proof that I kissed someone on New Year's Eve. As you can see, it is definitely not a mongoose, as previously thought. What is most appealing, aside from the petrified/terrified look on my new friend's face, is the art work in the background. Its obvious I was in the home of a true hunting enthusiast.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Let's focus on ME for a moment...

I have always liked music. When I a baby my dad would sing me to sleep. I blame him. He is also to blame for all the music that is constantly and I mean constantly playing in my head. I'm not going to lie, it's kinda cool. Like my life is some hip movie with a killer thematic soundtrack.

Allow me to introduce myself... through the lyrics of some really catchy songs.

I wear my sunglasses at night
... No, not really…well there was that one time…

I want to know what love is, I want you to show me …. My sentiments exactly

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. Can't say that I recall shooting anyone. Ever.

I am the queen of the night. Hmm... jury is still out on that one. Sounds a little like the rantings of a woman who works on the corner. I will agree with one statement Whitney made "Crack is Whack".


I'm like a bird, I only fly away. What!! I don't even know what that means. Did I mention that crack is whack?

I rode my bicycle past your window last night. No, not really. Not ever. Though I have been called a stalker.... moving right along...

I like to move it move it. yeah, pretty much.

I am the walrus. koo koo ka choo the beatles. 'nuf said.

I want to be with you. Yeah. Center Stage had some of the worst acting in history but that song gets me every time.

I just died in your arms tonight. I have no idea what that means. If he died tonight how did he write a song about it.

I'm too sexy for your party.
I love the fact that a guy who called himself RIGHT SAID FRED said he was too sexy for a party that he probably wasn't invited to anyway.

I want to hold your hand. Well sure, as long as it's clean. I don't know you.

I want to be sedated. Okay, No, but I think my friend Ms. Houston would appreciate that statement.

I could have danced all night. Hail yes.

I'm a redneck woman. Yeah…ummm…not so much.

I've got you under my skin. That's right. I'm talking to you.

I'm bad. I'm bad. You know it. Actually, MJ is just flippin' crazy.

I can't give you anything but love You betcha.

I'll stop the world and melt with you Ummm….. sure. I'll get right on that.


Any other songs?
come on.. hit me with your best shot... Wow. I'm like a machine. I'm a maniac!!...okay seriously. I must be stopped
.

Monday, January 2, 2006

Lip Action on New Year’s Eve… Official Picture Coming Soon...

You know how at midnight on New Year's Eve you are supposed to kiss someone? Well, I dislike that rule. Whats the point anyway? I had a guy to kiss on New Year's Eve before and it didnt make my year any better. As a matter of fact we ended up breaking up five months later. So as 2005 was ending and 2006 was beginning I honestly had no intention of kissing anyone and yet, I did. But before I get to that let me unfold the events that led up to the party to end all parties. Before we arrived at the party I met up with some lovely folks for dinner in the West End. After dinner we were walking around and sightseeing when we were drawn to an outdoor dining area by the alluring vocal stylings of Down For Life singing shake that laffy taffy. We spent a few minutes trying to decide what a laffy taffy was and in what capacity were we expected to shake it. In the end the final decision was that a laffy taffy is that area of loose skin on the under side of your arm that jiggles when you wave. I am not particularly fond of that part of my arm and so the idea of drawing attention to it was not very appealing but it was New Year's Eve I was feeling crazy so I joined in and unabashedly shook my laffy taffy and then we all departed to our next destination.

Let me take this moment to say that though I am African-American I don't really listen to rap and that is why I was just as confused as my Caucasian comrades as to the true meaning of laffy taffy... Let me also say that since this incident I have been informed of the true meaning of "laffy taffy". And quite frankly, I wish I didn't know the truth. If you don't know just pay attention to the lyrics of the song and use your imagination and you too can be fortunate enough to know what a laffy taffy is.

Okay so we are at the party and there was me and there was him. I don't know his name, well call him Charlie. Charlie is the strong, silent type. And Im willing to bet he could care less about the whole Kiss Someone on New Year's Eve Rule so we were a match made in heaven. Wait, it gets better. So, I mentioned to the man of the house that I made out with his friend and he seemed a little troubled by that. His response was, wow, I haven't even been introduced to you yet and you come up to me and start talking about making out....

Before I continue let me just say that I know how this looks and I know what you are thinking. So lets go ahead and clear one thing up. I had not been drinking. I dont make it a habit to drink. Apparently I should because on more than one occasion, usually during the week and at 2 in the afternoon or earlier, I have been asked if I was drunk. Let me repeat that at 2 in the afternoon or earlier. Who in the world is drunk at 2 in the afternoon during the week?

I get it. I get it. If you drive like a drunk person (see blog entitled that's messed up), talk like a drunk person, and embarrass yourself like a drunk person, you must be a drunk person. Wait....Not just a drunk person. If it's 2 in the afternoon and you're drunk, you must be a flippin' alcoholic. So I am saying all of this to say that I am not currently nor have I ever been an alcoholic. I may seem drunk most of the time, but trust me, I'm not. I guess something is off with my inner ear or something so my equilibrium is all out of whack.

Now, back to my story. So I introduce myself and then we pull out the camera and show him the photo. Yep. I have documentation that I got some lip action. And after that the details are fuzzy. He proceeds to tell me about the enormous, intimidating, mounted, animal head that I have just familiarized myself with and for some reason I think he says its a blue mongoose and so I throw my fists in the air in triumph. I think I might have even yelled to innocent bystanders something like, Yea, a blue mongoose!! I made out with a blue mongoose tonight come and see the picture

Okay so the next day at work I go online and look for pictures of a blue mongoose. Funny how there is no such thing as a blue mongoose.

And this is what an actual mongoose looks like:

Which is disturbing because I know for a fact that I didnt kiss anything that looked like that.

So then it dawns on me that he obviously didn't say mongoose. He probably said moose. To be exact he probably said bull moose. Which is sad because all night I had been congratulating myself on having had the auspicious opportunity to make out with a mongoose. I even had plans of calling the host the next day and inquiring about the mongooses well being after our little rendezvous.

Yeah, I won't be calling. And it wont surprise me if I am not invited to anymore church parties.

But its all good because I don't even go to that church.

Happy New Year and God help us all!

welcome

welcome
You there. Yes you, reading this small print...Thank you for stopping by... I hope you were not too disappointed