You know how at midnight on New Year's Eve you are supposed to kiss someone? Well, I dislike that rule. Whats the point anyway? I had a guy to kiss on New Year's Eve before and it didnt make my year any better. As a matter of fact we ended up breaking up five months later. So as 2005 was ending and 2006 was beginning I honestly had no intention of kissing anyone and yet, I did. But before I get to that let me unfold the events that led up to the party to end all parties. Before we arrived at the party I met up with some lovely folks for dinner in the West End. After dinner we were walking around and sightseeing when we were drawn to an outdoor dining area by the alluring vocal stylings of Down For Life singing shake that laffy taffy. We spent a few minutes trying to decide what a laffy taffy was and in what capacity were we expected to shake it. In the end the final decision was that a laffy taffy is that area of loose skin on the under side of your arm that jiggles when you wave. I am not particularly fond of that part of my arm and so the idea of drawing attention to it was not very appealing but it was New Year's Eve I was feeling crazy so I joined in and unabashedly shook my laffy taffy and then we all departed to our next destination.
Let me take this moment to say that though I am African-American I don't really listen to rap and that is why I was just as confused as my Caucasian comrades as to the true meaning of laffy taffy... Let me also say that since this incident I have been informed of the true meaning of "laffy taffy". And quite frankly, I wish I didn't know the truth. If you don't know just pay attention to the lyrics of the song and use your imagination and you too can be fortunate enough to know what a laffy taffy is.
Okay so we are at the party and there was me and there was him. I don't know his name, well call him Charlie. Charlie is the strong, silent type. And Im willing to bet he could care less about the whole Kiss Someone on New Year's Eve Rule so we were a match made in heaven. Wait, it gets better. So, I mentioned to the man of the house that I made out with his friend and he seemed a little troubled by that. His response was, wow, I haven't even been introduced to you yet and you come up to me and start talking about making out....
Before I continue let me just say that I know how this looks and I know what you are thinking. So lets go ahead and clear one thing up. I had not been drinking. I dont make it a habit to drink. Apparently I should because on more than one occasion, usually during the week and at 2 in the afternoon or earlier, I have been asked if I was drunk. Let me repeat that at 2 in the afternoon or earlier. Who in the world is drunk at 2 in the afternoon during the week?
I get it. I get it. If you drive like a drunk person (see blog entitled that's messed up), talk like a drunk person, and embarrass yourself like a drunk person, you must be a drunk person. Wait....Not just a drunk person. If it's 2 in the afternoon and you're drunk, you must be a flippin' alcoholic. So I am saying all of this to say that I am not currently nor have I ever been an alcoholic. I may seem drunk most of the time, but trust me, I'm not. I guess something is off with my inner ear or something so my equilibrium is all out of whack.
Now, back to my story. So I introduce myself and then we pull out the camera and show him the photo. Yep. I have documentation that I got some lip action. And after that the details are fuzzy. He proceeds to tell me about the enormous, intimidating, mounted, animal head that I have just familiarized myself with and for some reason I think he says its a blue mongoose and so I throw my fists in the air in triumph. I think I might have even yelled to innocent bystanders something like, Yea, a blue mongoose!! I made out with a blue mongoose tonight come and see the picture
Okay so the next day at work I go online and look for pictures of a blue mongoose. Funny how there is no such thing as a blue mongoose.
And this is what an actual mongoose looks like:
Which is disturbing because I know for a fact that I didnt kiss anything that looked like that.
So then it dawns on me that he obviously didn't say mongoose. He probably said moose. To be exact he probably said bull moose. Which is sad because all night I had been congratulating myself on having had the auspicious opportunity to make out with a mongoose. I even had plans of calling the host the next day and inquiring about the mongooses well being after our little rendezvous.
Yeah, I won't be calling. And it wont surprise me if I am not invited to anymore church parties.
But its all good because I don't even go to that church.
Happy New Year and God help us all!